Annoying Professor Snape

Notes: Chapter Eight

2007-08-17T19:25:00.000-07:00

There was a very significant change to chapter 8: We finally get to see a bit of Snape’s point of view. Originally, when I first wrote this story, I swore to myself that there would be no Snape POV. I was afraid it would give too much away. I wanted Snape’s actions and reactions to remain a surprise, and I felt that letting you all in on his private thoughts concerning the whole matter would jeopardise the surprise. But I constantly got requests for Snape’s POV. So I had to learn to write a Snape POV that was satisfying, that let the reader feel as though they were gaining some insight into his persona, without giving anything away. Which sounds easier than it is, for me at any rate.

The main concern I had was that once I wrote his POV, I wouldn’t be able to stop. And that was partly true. I keep trying to fit his POV in to more and more chapters. I love writing this Snape. He’s sarcastic and scathing, utterly Slytherin, and a lot of fun to write. I have a lot of ideas and thoughts concerning my Snape, and many of them don’t mesh perfectly with canon. However, I am able to explore these thoughts fully in this story, which is quite addicting, really.

I don’t want to give anything away, but I’ll give you a brief peek into my Snape’s persona. As I said, he’s scathing and sarcastic. But he doesn’t do it to be funny. He doesn’t do it to be mean, or witty, or because he’s a Slytherin. That’s just how he thinks. The fact that some people find his sarcastic wit funny puzzles him, because as I said, he doesn’t do it to be funny. That’s purely him. He’s also purely Slytherin. I have a very interesting take on the whole Slytherin persona.

For me, Slytherins are the ultimate pragmatist. They can be practical to the point of ruthlessness, though to them, they both mean the same thing. For my Slytherins, ninety percent of the time, the ends do justify the means. Why are many Slytherins bisexual? Because they’re equal opportunity lovers. Having sex with both males and females gives them twice as many partners to choose from. Slytherins see the grey in every situation. There is no only black or only white, nothing is either purely right or purely wrong, ultimately good or ultimately evil. They’re ambitious, of course. They aspire to high positions. For money, for power, for connections, yes, but mostly to prove it to themselves and others. The challenge is what they relish. The chance to show others, look what I can do. Look what I have. Look at me.

Yes, Slytherins will use you if they need to. From a Slytherin perspective, if you’re weak enough to be used, that’s not their problem. Yes, they can be sneaky. Yes, they can be cunning. But those aren’t bad things, in and of themselves.

Slytherins are opportunists, pure and simple. Why did Lucius defect to the side of the Order? Because they were obviously going to win. Self-preservation ranks high on the list of Slytherin needs. Another reason he defected was because of his pride. The Malfoy line is an ancient and pure family. He would not tolerate being used by a Dark Lord who was less than himself. He would not tolerate being a lackey, and Lucius was smart enough to realize that Voldemort didn’t have followers, he had slaves. And no Malfoy would ever stoop so low. Least of all him.

So, what makes a Slytherin? Self-preservation, pragmatism, pride, cunning, ambition, and the ability to see all the many shades of grey. In the end, Slytherins don’t care for right or wrong, for good or bad. They care for themselves most of all. To be a Slytherin is practically to be family. They are fiercely loyal to their own, so long as the Slytherin in question is fit to be called a Slytherin. And that, readers, is what my Slytherins are made of. Not all of them, of course. And not all of them will feel all of the above. But hopefully, this may give you some insights in to my favourite playmates of all: the Slytherins.

Notes: Chapter Seven

2007-08-17T19:23:00.000-07:00

There are a couple big changes in chapter seven, things that make it more obvious that Snape is going to get revenge. But first, the minor changes.

“This…I hesitate to call it your paper, since it’s on…amethyst coloured parchment,” he unrolled the parchment, grimacing with distaste, “with little hearts all over it.” He stopped, shook his head as if to clear it, tightly shut his eyes, then looked at her paper again. “It’s still there. Why is your paper on coloured parchment covered with hearts?” he asked, his voice dangerously soft.

I just loved the thought of Snape being handed this ridiculously girly parchment that he would be forced to come in contact with in order to grade. I still laugh at the thought of Snape shaking his head as if to clear it, tightly shutting his eyes, then looking to see if her paper is still there. This was one of those scenes that I can see so clearly in my head. It’s not the best, or the funniest, but it’s still, even after all this time, so vivid. I can absolutely picture Snape sitting there, wondering what the hell had possessed the stupid Gryffindor to turn in her paper on such parchment. I also imagined him wondering why such paper was even produced and what sort of horrid establishment would have the gall to sell such rubbish.

“I ran out of—”
He cut her off by saying, in an incredulous tone, “Is it scented as well?”

I can also clearly picture him asking if it’s scented. I can just see his face, this wonderful mixture of outrage, disbelief, and surprise that they even produced scented paper.

“Sir,” Harry began, his leg shaking from nerves, “Hermione just ran out of parchment, and then had to borrow some of Lavender’s. She didn’t do it to purposely get to you, or whatever it was you were rant–erm, saying,” he cut himself off before he could accuse Snape of ranting like a lunatic.

In the original, Harry didn’t almost accuse Snape of ranting like a lunatic. But I realized that Harry was probably the most likely to do so in that situation.

Lavender silently congratulated on her improvisation. She had never been terribly good at thinking on her feet, especially when confronted by Snape.

I’m not a big fan of cannon Lavender, but I thought that maybe I could make her a bit more than a bimbo who was once in love with Ron, of all people. And I like to think I did an okay job. I like to think that this Lavender has a bit more substance, a bit more flair. She’s no Hermione, but then, she doesn’t want to be. Being Hermione is very hard work, and Lavender likes fun. That doesn’t necessarily make her brainless, or only concerned with silly things such as makeup and clothing and boys. Yes, she likes those things. But they aren’t her life.

The only major changes to the chapter are the following:

She remained seated as Snape paced back in forth in front of her desk. She wasn’t sure why he had detained her. Would he deduct points? Give her detention? Threaten her, yet again, with expulsion? She watched him pace; four steps one way, pivot, four steps the opposite way, repeat. His hands were clasped behind his back, his head bent, a look of deep concentration upon his face. He didn’t look angry, exactly, but he certainly didn’t look any less imposing for that fact.
He stopped abruptly, his head turning sharply to stare at her, his face unreadable. She raised her chin, meeting his gaze. It was small comfort that he had claimed she would know if he used his Legilimency against her; she might know if he was using it, but she had no defence against it. Yet, she sensed nothing, no foreign presence in her mind, so remained quiet, continuing to meet his gaze.

As I’ve said before, I really don’t quite understand how Legilimancy works. But I’ve decided that Snape can’t perform real, intrusive Legilimancy without the victim being aware of it, much as Harry was in Phoenix. In this fic, the most he can do undetected is skim the surface of emotions, not unlike an empath, just to sort of read what emotion someone is experiencing.

“You have no idea what you’re playing at, Miss Granger.” She almost jumped, his voice came so suddenly, sounding louder in the silence of the room. She continued to meet his gaze, though her neck was starting to hurt from the awkward angle. Snape seemed a lot taller when he was standing and she was sitting.
“Whatever do you mean, sir?”
“Do not play the innocent with me. Deny it all you want, but cease with this act.” His voice was low and stern, but not harsh. She did not know how to react, so she merely said nothing.
“I am not as oblivious as you would like to think, Miss Granger,” he said. “I have deduced that there is some sort of contest or bet; that it concerns me is no big secret. I do not know why, though I can hazard a guess. I am, after all, the resident greasy git; who better to play such childish pranks on?” he asked. She felt momentarily ashamed to know that he was aware of his nickname amongst the students; how awful, she thought, to know just how disliked you truly were.
“But I will give you this last warning, Miss Granger,” he said, his voice low and even, leaning down, his hands gripping the sides of her desk, until his face was level with hers. “Continue with these little games and I will be forced to retaliate. I could lie, and say that I would not find that pleasant, but the truth is this: I would find it pleasant indeed. Whether you would be of the same opinion, however, is doubtful.”
She stared at him, his face inches from hers, and could read the truth of his words in his eyes. She knew he meant what he said and though the thought should have scared her, it did not. A small part of her, perhaps, but most of her saw the challenge. There was no one her own age who challenged her. Yet here was the chance to match wits with a Slytherin, a man older and more powerful than she. Such a thing would be dangerous and scary and everything she knew should not tempt her, but did. The thought was terrifying yet she could not deny the allure. In the end, she gave into the temptation.
“Well, Miss Granger?” he asked, moving a fraction of an inch closer to her. His eyes were on level with hers, his face a breath away. The incongruous thought that, should anyone walk into the dungeon at that moment, they surely would think Snape was about to kiss her, briefly crossed her mind.

I’m a Snape/Hermione shipper at heart. What can I say?? I think this bit ups the tension a little. Whether that tension is sexual or otherwise remains to be seen.

“Why bother warning me?” she asked, the knowledge that she had already accepted his challenge making her bold. “Why not just give me detention and be done with it?”
“That is none of your concern. But I can see that you have not changed your mind. So be it.” He straightened, glaring down his nose at her. “Do not say later that I did not warn you.”
When he said nothing more, she asked, “If that is all, sir?”
“That is all. You may go, Miss Granger.”
She nodded once before standing and walking towards the door. “Until later, Professor.” Before he could respond, she was gone.

Hermione found she was shaking once she exited the dungeon, though whether it was nerves, adrenaline, or both, she couldn’t say. She found it hard to believe that she had just accepted Snape’s challenge. She should have taken his warning to heart and stopped the tasks. Instead she had gone so far as to disregard his warning entirely and accept his challenge. What would the others say?
But she soon decided not to tell them. Not yet, anyway. Eventually, she would have to explain, but for now, the information was too new. She still could not believe she had found the courage to accept. Where had her bravado come from? She hadn’t been the least bit nervous; apprehensive, perhaps, but not nervous. She couldn’t imagine how she had found the nerve to stand up to Snape in such a way.
She tried to analyse her feelings towards the situation she now found herself in, but found she was unable to. She was still running on adrenaline now that the whole thing was over, making her want to giggle nervously and dance joyously, all at the same time. Deep down, she knew why she had accepted his proposal. She relished the chance to match wits with such a brilliant mind. It was the chance to go up against a Slytherin, to use power and cunning and all the skills at her disposal to see that she came out on top. That she would lose was almost a given; however, it was not about winning or losing. It all came down to the challenge.
There were no boys her age–and at that age, that’s exactly what they all were, boys–capable of such a thing. The very thought that Ron or Harry could go up against her was laughable. They had their strengths, but they did not concern wit or logic. Snape, however, was not a boy. He was a man, and a powerful one at that. That he was a Slytherin made the whole thing more appealing; she supposed it was the natural Gryffindor-Slytherin rivalry coming into play. Snape, she knew, would not disappoint. A challenge he had promised and a challenge she would get.

Again, this is more to make the point that Snape has laid down a challenge and Hermione has accepted said challenge. This gives a little insight as to why she accepted. Also, it is something that can be built on later, should I decide to turn this into a romance, but that isn’t indicative of romance on its own.

Though she knew she should be anxious or scared of what he might do, she could not bring herself to get over her excitement. Later, she would worry. Right now, she simply wanted to revel in the fact that she might just have found her match.
A sly smile upon her lips, Hermione made her way to her room. She had plenty of research to do if she wanted a chance to beat Snape at his own game.

I hope that cleared things up about the whole Hermione vs Snape challenge. The first time I posted the fic, there were quite a few people who weren’t sure whether or not there really was a challenge. Hopefully, this proves beyond a doubt that Snape did challenge her, Hermione did accept, and it is now war.

Notes: Chapter Six

2007-08-17T19:22:00.001-07:00

I remember when I first read the list I am now working from. Yes, every task was hilarious. Yes, every one was crazy. But very few of them made me laugh out loud. Two of the tasks in chapter six are such tasks: to accidentally call him Buzz every now and again, for no good reason and to sneak up behind him. Go 'Boo!' and giggle and then walk away mumbling that you 'got him good'. I remember reading the list all those years ago and just laughing out loud at the insanity of it. Eventually, after reading some of these laugh out loud tasks, a plot bunny reared its fanged head up (yes, all my plot bunnies seem to bear fangs) and burrowed its way into my brain. Not a pretty thought, no, but that was the start of what I’d like to think was a beautiful relationship between me and my crazy little fic.

I think this was one of the chapters I changed least. All I did was clean up some grammar and typos, and add a little bulk. I really don’t have anything to add.

Notes: Chapter Five

2007-07-18T20:51:00.000-07:00

Again, there are no major changes to this chapter. The only additions are those concerning Snape's better looks. Hermione notices them for the first time.

His hair is cleaner, no longer looking greasy. Of course, I don't know what Snape's hair, sans grease, would really look like, so I took an educated guess. I used to have oily hair when I was younger (thankfully, it's not anymore), so it wasn't too hard. I know when my hair was oily, it looked heavier and, obviously, greasy. But when it was freshly washed, it looked soft and wispy, and not at all heavy. Because Snape's hair is so greasy, I took the liberty of assuming it is very fine. So I made his hair appear soft and wispy and fine. And, of course, very clean.

I made his face less oily as well. And I made him lose the sickly yellow tint. I figured Snape, pre-Voldemort's demise, wouldn't have very many opportunities to take care of his health. Nor the inclination. Not that he was necessarily sick, but he was certainly unhealthy. Did he care? No, he always figured he would die either way. But now that he hasn't died, he cares. Not a lot, of course. He's certainly no Lucius, or even Draco. But he cares.

Hermione notices that Snape looks healthy. Pale, yes, of course. He lives in a dungeon, of course he's pale. But only now that he looks healthy, does Hermione realize how truly sickly he looked before. She also assesses his looks. It's a little hint that, should I choose to make this a romance, I can go back and build on.

The next change is Hermione's realization of his Legilimancy. I started this fic, for those of you who don't know, before Order of the Phoenix was out. So there was no legilimancy originally. But I figured that, once I changed the canon compliancy of this fic from post-GOF to post-OotP, that I needed to address the legilimancy some time. So I went back and added this bit. It doesn't completely take care of the legilimancy aspect, but it's the best I can do, at that point in the fic. Besides, I'll be honest. I'm still not fully certain how, exactly, legilimancy works. And since I don't fully understand it, I don't feel comfortable writing it.

Snape says the following: A skilled Legilimens I may be, but even I am not so skilled as to enter one’s mind without them being aware. I honestly have no idea if this is true or not, in the books. I somewhat think it is, just because it seemed like Harry was fully aware of what was happening, and it wasn't taking him by surprise. Of course, in HBP, Snape knows what Harry will cast before he casts it. Whether Harry can feel this intrusion or not remains to be seen. But I took a chance, and decided that, for this fic, Snape can purposely delve into the mind with the specific intent to find memories, but he cannot do so without being noticed. The victim will also 'see' the memories, much as Harry did in OotP. They can feel the intrusion. As I said, I don't know if that's exactly how it works. But that's how it works in this fic.

Hermione also shows a bit of defiance. I like this aspect of her character. She won't let him scare her into submission, even though, truth be told, he does somewhat scare her. And Snape, of course, shows derision and scorn, though also a bit of surprise. And, because this is Snape, veiled threat as well.

And that's it. Like I said, nothing major, but things that needed to be said and done.

Notes: Chapter Four

2007-07-17T12:49:00.000-07:00

There was one change to chapter four, and it was a pretty major one. Not so much a change, actually, as an addition. Near the end of the chapter, Lavender and Parvati bring up an interesting point: Snape's looks are improving. "Just because his looks are marginally better--" is what Parvati says.

She also points out that his skin and hair aren't as greasy anymore. Lavender points out that his skin isn't as sallow anymore. Both girls, along with Ginny, agree that the changes are not overly dramatic, but noticeable if you know what to look for.

They theorize about why he suddenly changed, and the opinion was that, with the war over, he is starting over, so to speak. No more stress and worrying and wondering if he would be caught in his role as double agent has left him free to focus upon more mundane matters, such as personal hygiene.

“Isn’t it obvious?” Parvati asked. “The war is over. He has the time, ability, and the will to make an effort. He probably feels the freedom as much as anyone else.”

There is also a smaller change to the chapter that I hid among this change. That would be Harry's feelings towards Snape and his sacrifices. We learn that Harry does know and honor what Snape has done during the war.

“He was a spy, as you all know. Think about it. Who would have the least freedom while Voldemort was still a threat? He could do nothing without fear that Voldemort, his supposed lord and master, would find out and learn of his duplicity. He lived in constant fear of his life. Now that he’s gone, Snape is probably enjoying his hard won freedom more than anyone. We all make sacrifices during war, of course, but I can think of few who made quite so many as Snape.”

Everyone was quiet for a moment, lost in their own thoughts. Hermione knew there was no love lost between Snape and Harry. Harry–and even Ron–may have learned and finally believed that Snape was on their side, but that didn’t mean they were suddenly friends. The only thing that had changed was now, in place of Harry’s contempt, there was a grudging respect for the man who had done so much to help their cause. Harry and Ron might still refer to him as a ‘greasy git’ but they both remembered what he had done.

These changes are very different from each other, and the latter may not be what one would necessarily expect to find in a parody fic. But I feel they are both necessary.

I had always planned to have Snape better his appearance. I have always thought that he looked the way he did because he simply didn't care. He had no will to look better, because he was far more worried about his double agent role. I think Snape was one of those who believed Dumbledore when the older man claimed Voldemort was not gone for good. No matter whose side Snape is really on (in canon, he's obviously on our side in my fic), the news that Voldemort would return must have weighed heavily on him. I feel that Snape is a Slytherin in every sense of the word. Not good or bad, he just is. I think if given the choice, Snape would not ally himself with the 'good' side or the 'evil' side; he would go with whoever was most likely to win. I think saving his own skin is his first concern. Having power and freedom is his second. When he was younger, I think his priorities were different; he still wanted to be on the winning side, of course, but he let himself be manipulated by the promise of the power he might acquire.

But I'll get more into his psyche in a later post. The main point is that I've always planned on him improving his looks. Now that Voldemort is no longer a threat, now that he doesn't have to constantly worry about his chances of impending death, now that he can simply live as any other wizard, I truly believe he would now have the energy and the will to improve himself. I doubt he would ever be a 'metrosexual' type of man (though that would work nicely in a parody fic), mainly because he is very involved in his work and research. Men like that simply don't remember or think of small things like getting their hair cut regularly and such mundane things. But the basics he could handle. So he does.

As for the addition of Harry's grudging respect for Snape, I realized that it seemed very insensitive for Harry to be a part of a group that would so torture poor Snape. Harry likes to think that he understands the man better than most students--not necessarily true--because they have shared some of the same experiences. I had to show that Harry is not heartless, is not a bastard or trying to be deliberately cruel. No one in the group is doing this with a cruel intention. It is meant to be a little revenge, yes, but not in a cruel manner. None of the tasks will harm him, either emotionally, physically, or magically. Might make him uncomfortable or dent his dignity, yes, but nothing he can't easily recover from.

So, now you hopefully understand why I added what could be considered a cliche. And why I added something that seemingly has no real place in this story. Trust me, both have a purpose. You shall see what that purpose is soon.

News

2007-07-17T12:15:00.001-07:00

I know I've been neglecting this blog lately. I promise to do better. I've also decided to change the way this blog works. Instead of posting the chapters and their notes, I will just post the notes. Then, I will respond to questions left in reviews. Not all of your questions, mind you, but the ones I can answer without giving too much away.

I am recovering from the surgery and seem to be doing well. With any luck, I will be back to writing by the end of this week. I have a lot of ideas for the next chapter; I only hope I can manage to work most of them in sooner rather than later. Thank you all for your kind wishes about my health and recovery. I'm convinced I have some of the best readers in the entire fandom. And thank you as well for being understanding about the delay between chapters. I hope to repay your kindnesses with even more outrageous action in the fic!

That's all the news I have at the moment. I'll be hard at work updating this blog for the next day or so, adding all the notes and questions. Be sure to check back often, as I will actually keep it updated now :)

Thanks again!
Magelet

4/12/07

2007-04-12T15:56:00.000-07:00

To anyone who is wondering why Chapter 14 has not yet been posted to Fanfiction.net, it is because the site is experiencing problems (again!). I tried to upload the chapter, and it won't let me. It keeps logging it as an error. I tried to go to the link provided for help (support.fanfiction.net) and the page isn't available. So there's nothing I can do. I'll keep trying, but that's all I can do. Hopefully, this will be resolved soon!

Notes: Chapter Three

2007-03-19T18:01:00.000-07:00

I think the biggest change (if not the only one) is this: "Snape glared at her before leaning down into her desk, ensuring he was eye to eye with Hermione. “Miss Granger, do not mistake me for an idiot. I am well aware of what is going on and I will not stand for it. I suggest you think long and hard before you continue your little games.” He leaned even further towards her, his voice a mere breath against her cheek. “I assure you, whatever game you seek to play with me, I will always come out on top.” With that, he stood up, straightened his sleeves, and turned towards his desk in a swirl of robes."

I added this because, the last time I posted this fic, people weren't sure if Snape was actually going to challenge Hermione. They couldn't find a specific place where he implied such a thing. So I added it. This is where he begins to get very annoyed and toys with the notion of getting even (a very Slytherin thing). This is Snape's first warning to Hermione. But not the last...

That seems to be the only thing worth commenting on. Hermione does a little thinking, about whether or not she could go up against Snape. This is the first indication that Hermione might be thinking of accepting Snape's challenge (another thing people weren't too clear on, last time). Other than that, everything should be straight forward.

Look for chapter four and its notes soon!

Fic: Chapter Three

2007-03-17T16:48:00.000-07:00

Annoying Professor Snape

Chapter 3: Snapie?!

The Continuation of Tasks 3 and 4

Task 5: Nickname your quill 'Snapie' and talk to it during class

Duration: One class

“Professor Snape, can I have your autograph?” Hermione asked nervously, holding out a piece of parchment and a quill.

“Can you what?” Snape snarled.

“Your autograph, can I, um, have it?” Hermione asked, less sure of herself by the second.

Fortunately (or unfortunately, depending on whom you were) Dumbledore was there, watching the scene with an amused twinkle in his eye.

“Severus, it seems you have a fan. I believe the young lady would like your autograph,” Dumbledore informed Snape.

“My…autograph?” he asked, his tone disbelieving.

Hermione nodded and practically shoved the parchment and quill in his hands, eager to get away as soon as possible. She could hear giggles and snickers from people witnessing her embarrassment. She could only imagine the rumours this little scene would cause...

“Well, if I must,” Snape snarled, regaining the use of his sneer, if nothing else. “Since it seems you are obsessed with me,” he told her snidely, while signing her parchment.

“Oh, no sir,” she told him, taking her signed piece of parchment and quill from him. “This isn’t for me—it’s for Lavender. She’s the one obsessed with you,” Hermione said loudly enough for all to hear. Then she turned and ran to her room, hearing Lavender shouting and running after her. The rest of the groups’ laughter echoed in the hall.

Hermione reached her room and closed the door, but she could still hear Lavender shouting at her from behind it.

“That was a dirty trick, Hermione Granger! I can’t believe you did that! How will I show my face?”

“Oh, clear off Lavender,” she said, laughing at her friend and her dramatics. “If I can show my face after running out of the hall, shrieking at Snape’s spoon, you can show your face after this!”
She heard Lavender sigh and then heard footsteps indicating she had left.

Hermione sank down into her chair, happy that she had her own room this year because she was Head Girl. Hermione looked at the parchment with Snape’s autograph. There were two S’s barely distinguishable in the scribble that was his signature.

Hermione shook her head, and wondered for the fiftieth time why she was doing this. She admitted to herself that it would be funny when they handed him the list on the last day of school at the leaving feast. It would be hilarious to see his face when he realized just what they had done. It would also be funny to hear Harry or one of the others talk about the list in their leaving speech. She also conceded that the two Galleons she was receiving from everyone at the end of the year after she completed all the tasks would be nice, though not necessary. But it was more than that. Hermione finally felt like she belonged.

She had never really been good friends with Lavender or Parvati. She had deemed Parvati a snob and had thought Lavender was only interested in Divination and make-up. Hermione had always been smart and somewhat bossy, and the three girls had never really had much to talk about. Hermione had told herself she didn’t care that they didn’t like her, that she didn’t care that her best friends were boys who were more interested in Quidditch than their marks, but she had given that up in sixth year. It did matter, she knew, no matter what she told herself. But, now, her and Lavender and Parvati had things to talk about, and Hermione realized they were actually interesting people, in their own ways. Hermione actually regretted not finding that out earlier. It turned out Parvati was excellent in Transfiguration, so Hermione could always discuss the lesson with her. And Lavender was tied with Hermione for top of the class in Charms. It seemed the girls weren’t airheads after all.

Now, Hermione fit in and had friends. She was part of a group, and Hermione couldn’t deny that she had wanted that since her first week at Hogwarts. She didn’t mind that some insane challenge had pulled them all together. The fact was that it had and they were all happy, they were all having fun, and they were all friends: and that’s all that mattered.

***

The next two days passed uneventfully, except for the times Gryffindor table erupted into coughs and Hermione glanced at Snape and ran out of the hall.

All in all, Hermione thought, it hadn’t been that bad. Sure, it was a little embarrassing, running out of the hall like that, but no harm done.

Hermione smiled at Ginny who joined them at a table in the back of the Common Room.

“Finally. Gin, we thought you’d never get here,” Harry told her.

“I know, I know, I’m late. It wasn’t my fault though! Snape made us all stay after while he ranted at us about the importance of something being boiled. Or maybe steamed. Anyway, what’s up?”

“Well, now that we’re all here, I think it’s time for—drum roll please,” Lavender told Harry and Ron.

Ron and Harry beat their hands against the table in a poor imitation of a drum roll.

“The fifth task!”

“Great!” groaned Hermione.

“What is the fifth task, Lavender?” Parvati asked, as if she didn’t know.

“The fifth task is to nickname your quill 'Snapie' and talk to it during class,” Lavender proudly announced.

“What? You’re kidding, surely!” Hermione looked at the group. “But, he’ll throw me out of the dungeons! Or give me detention,” she could tell they weren’t relenting, so she sighed and asked, “How long?”

“Actually,” Harry said, “This one’s only for one lesson.”

“Guess you got lucky, eh?” Ginny smiled.

“Yeah, lucky,” Hermione said.

Although not exactly the kind of luck she had been hoping for…

***

“So Snapie, what do you think we’ll have to do today in class?” Hermione asked while looking at her quill. It was the beginning of Potions—and the fifth task. “Snapie, I can’t seem to find my homework…Oh, there it is.”

Snape glared at the class, looking for the speaker. His gaze landed on Hermione, and his scowl deepened when he heard the word ‘Snapie.’ He seemed to be trying to ignore her and her remarks, looking anywhere but at her and her quill. He lasted for all of fifteen seconds, until Hermione started to speak again.

“Hmm,” Hermione said, gazing at her quill, “I wonder what could be holding the class up Snapie.”

Hermione could tell when Snape’s patience ran out; he stood up and stalked to her desk, standing menacingly in front of it. “Miss Granger, what did you just call me?” Snape asked, his voice at its silkiest.

“Oh, I’m sorry, but I wasn’t actually talking to you, sir,” she answered him, looking genuinely confused.

“Then would you care to enlighten us as to who you were speaking with?”

“My quill, Professor,” she replied, as if this were the most obvious thing in the world. She even went so far as to wave the quill in front of his face.

“Your quill has a name?” he asked slowly.

“Yes.”

“And what is that name, once more?”

“Snapie.”

“Snapie?” At her nod, he continued, in a deceptively gently tone, “Miss Granger, why is it you are working so very hard to drive me mad?”

Hermione blinked up at him, an expression of innocent confusion upon her face. “Whatever are you talking about Professor?”

“Your quill’s name is Snapie…my last name is Snape…do you see the connection?” He asked as though he were speaking to a small child.

“Actually, Professor, no, I’m afraid I don’t see the connection,” she paused. “However–and I don’t mean to sound rude–I’m curious to know why you believe something I do would have anything to do with you. You seem to be under the impression that I’m obsessed with you. I can assure you, that is not the case. Although, you seem to go out of your way to form connections between my actions and yourself...” Hermione let her voice trail off, her heart pounding, hardly daring to believe that she was actually speaking so to Snape, of all people! She was aware of the rest of the class staring silently at them in a mixture of awe and disbelief.

Snape glared at her before leaning down into her desk, ensuring he was eye to eye with Hermione. “Miss Granger, do not mistake me for an idiot. I am well aware of what is going on and I will not stand for it. I suggest you think long and hard before you continue your little games.” He leaned even further towards her, his voice a mere breath against her cheek. “I assure you, whatever game you seek to play with me, I will always come out on top.” With that, he stood up, straightened his sleeves, and turned towards his desk in a swirl of robes.

“Well, what are you lot waiting for? Get to work!”

Hermione prepared her potion, thinking hard. Could Snape really know what they were doing? She didn’t see how. Yes, he could suspect that her actions were all a part of some game; that was really the only option that made any sense. But surely he couldn’t know anything else, about the list or their plans. And what had he meant by his last line? She realized that, if Snape were to back up his threat (and he really didn’t seem the type to make idle threats), she could be in trouble. Yes, she was good at magic, she could admit that as fact. But Snape...not only was he older and wiser, he was definitely more powerful than she. She had no doubt he would come out on top, like he had promised; in a game of cunning and wiles, he was a Slytherin. When all was said and done, she could never hope to match wits with him.

But still, she decided to enjoy the game while she could. Snape could have just been saying that to throw her off, make her afraid to continue. He might not have any intention of going up against her; after all, he was a teacher, and surely had a lot of work to keep him busy. Hermione knew her excuses were just that–excuses. But, truth be told, she didn’t want the game to end. She was having more fun than she’d had in a very long time. And if Snape did decide to join in, well...

The more the merrier...

To Be Continued...

To Be Continued...

Notes: Chapter Two

2007-03-12T16:22:00.000-07:00

There really aren't too many notes for this chapter. A few clarifications, perhaps, but nothing too major.

Rereading the chapter, the first thing I notice is Parvati's straight-forwardness. In the notes for Chapter One, I made it clear that Parvati is not an idiot, not in this fic, anyway. Maybe not as brainy and devoted to studying as Hermione, but she is not stupid. One thing about my Parvati is that she is very straight forward. She speaks her mind. She is tactful, yes, but she still let's her opinion be known.

Parvati adopted this manner, as the fic states, in their sixth year. Mainly because of The War. She got sick of all the beating around the bush some of the Order members indulged in, and found it silly. It was a war; no time to be mincing words. So, she became very decisive, very straightforward, and had no use for those who were neither. She may come off as bitchy, at times, but she truly doesn't mean it that way. She just doesn't see the point of not speaking her mind and being honest.

The second thing that jumps out at me is Ginny and her behaviour. Ginny, in this fic, is the devious one. She can be sneaky with the best of them and is more concerned with the end, rather than the means. She doesn't mind breaking the rules, but she does mind being caught. As long as she isn't caught, all is well.

Whereas Parvati comes off as bitchy without meaning to, Ginny doesn't care one way or the other. Yes, she's nice to her friends, but if she has to get bitchy, so be it.

"Ginny even went so far as to tell Neville that he should really learn to mind his own business; Hermione looked fine to her." She has no patience for Neville, or those like Neville. She prefers those who are capable, perhaps a bit sneaky, and who can take care of themselves. Sound like any blonde Slytherins we know??

Her patience with Ron is quickly leaving her. Yes, he's her brother, but he can be so thick. Ron is a bit melodramatic; we'll see examples of this in upcoming chapters. Suffice it to say, Ginny does not let Ron--or any of her brothers--push her around. And if she has to be bitchy to get that point across, that's okay.

As for Seamus' horrendous joke... First of all, yes I understand how bad a joke that is. That's the point. In this fic, Seamus is known for his really bad jokes. He fancies himself a comedian, but he really isn't at all funny. So, all of Seamus' jokes will be bad, because that's what he does: He tells bad jokes. Poor Seamus...

One thing that is not canon-compliant, that I notice in this chapter, is that the group are heading to Care of Magical Creatures. "Hermione, Ron, Harry, Lavender and Parvati walked to their next class, Care of Magical Creatures, together, discussing the morning’s events." After I posted it, I remembered that they all gave the class up in their fifth year. But instead of changing it, I just left it because, 1. it isn't that big of a deal and 2. perhaps, now that the war is over and they don't have to use all their class time to learn to stay alive, they can focus on more trivial subjects. I may yet go back and change it, but I haven't so far, so just thought I'd point out that I am aware of the mistake.

Well, those are the only things I notice to remark upon. Chapter three and its notes will be here soon.

Fic: Chapter Two

2007-03-12T16:15:00.001-07:00

Disclaimers: I got the idea from an email on the WIKTT yahoo group. The List was in an email. Other than that, I cannot say who created The List, as I’ve had many who have claimed to be the original creator. Of course, as I can’t verify who did or didn’t write The List, and since each is different, all I can say is that I did not write The List, I am merely using it in this fic.

Also, this fic is beyond out of character. I am taking many liberties with these lovely characters. Snape, especially, shall have quite the personality change. Not enough to make him un-Snape-like, but enough to allow him to work properly in this story. Hermione is still a know-it-all, but she’s learning to have some fun. Without giving anything away, be prepared for a barmier-than-ever Dumbledore, an outrageous Tonks, a devious Ginny, questions concerning Draco’s sexuality (although, that seems to be a humor!fic standard...) and a not-quite-so-strict McGonagall. What can I saw? The war is over; everyone is feeling a bit different: freer, loving life more, and just plain crazier.

Annoying Professor Snape

Chapter 2: The Spoon and the autograph.

Task 3: Look terrified and leave the hall anytime he picks up his spoon atmealtimes
Duration: Nine meals

Task 4: Ask for his autograph

“His spoon? Are you sure that’s the third task?” Hermione asked Harry for what had to be the tenth time that day.

“Yes, Hermione, he’s sure,” Ginny answered.

“Three days?”

“Well, technically,” Ron began.

Hermione looked at the five of them suspiciously. They were in the Common Room discussing the next day.

“Technically?”

“Well,” Lavender answered, “It’s not really three days… It’s more like nine meals. That he attends.”

“I see…” Hermione said.

“It’s like this,” Parvati answered, in the straightforward way she had adopted last year. “If it was three days and he missed a meal, you’re off the hook. But, if we make it nine meals he attends, it doesn’t matter if he misses a whole day—you still have to do it for nine meals.”

Hermione sighed. “Okay, that’s fair, I guess,” she admitted grudgingly.

“Oh, this is going to be a riot!” Ron exclaimed.

“How will he even know she’s running out because of him though?” Ginny asked sensibly.

“Hmm, good point.” Harry adjusted his glasses. “Well, here’s what will happen. First of all, all of us, Hermione included, will be watching Snape. The second he picks up his spoon, we start coughing loudly. Hermione, that’s your cue. You look up at him, squeal, and run out of the room. Make eye contact if at all possible. If you can sneak a glance in at the spoon, even better. And you have to run out as if the hall were on fire! Look terrified! Wait a couple minutes, and then come back in the hall. Look as though nothing had happened.”

“Won’t people question why I ran out?”

“Well, say you saw a spider or something,” Ron said, shivering in disgust at the thought.

“So, when I hear you coughing, I look up at Snape, squeal, and run. Got it,” she smiled in spite of herself. “This might actually be somewhat amusing.”

“’Course it will!” Ron laughed.

“Well, for us anyway,” Parvati pointed out.

***

Hermione walked to the Great Hall for breakfast the next morning. It was meal number one. After this, only eight more. It won’t be that bad, Hermione thought. Besides, what are the odds of him even using his spoon? It is breakfast after all. No one uses spoons at breakfast, she thought, while sitting down.

No one, it seemed, but Professor Snape. Not a minute after she sat down, Snape picked up a spoon to stir something in his cup. Lavender and Parvati started coughing loudly. Ron, Harry and Ginny, who had just walked into the hall, also started coughing. Or laughing. Either way, it had the intended effect: everyone, including Professor Snape, was staring at the Gryffindor table.

Hermione took a deep breath, caught Snape’s eye, looked at his spoon and shrieked. Harry, who had seen what she was doing, had motioned for the others to stop coughing. Everyone watched Hermione, who appeared to be scared out of her wits, get up from her seat, glance at the Head Table, and run out of the Hall. No one knew what to make of it.

Harry, Ron, Ginny, Lavender, and Parvati almost died from trying to hold in their laughter. They all sent sly grins to each other and winks were exchanged. They refused to answer any questions about Hermione’s behaviour, looking confused when anyone implied her actions were odd. Ginny even went so far as to tell Neville that he should really learn to mind his own business; Hermione looked fine to her.

Hermione was out of the Great Hall, leaning against the door, heart pounding. She wondered what people would think of that, and started laughing at the look on Professor Snape’s face when she had run out. Had he realized it was because of the spoon?

Hermione reckoned she should probably go back in. What to say, what to say… She decided against the spider, and opted for forgetting her homework in her room. Yes, that would be believable.

Hermione went back in to the Hall, told her lie, and was grateful Snape didn’t touch his spoon for the rest of the meal. It seemed Snape wasn’t all bad.

***

Hermione, Ron, Harry, Lavender and Parvati walked to their next class, Care of Magical Creatures, together, discussing the morning’s events.

“It was brilliant!” Exclaimed Lavender.

“Abso-bloody-lutely fantastic! The look on everyone’s face was priceless!” Ron added.

“Only eight more meals, Hermione. And you’ll probably get off easy at lunch; no one uses their spoon at lunch,” Harry said.

“Yeah, I said that about breakfast. Don’t jinx it for me, Harry.”

“But did he realize it was because of the spoon?” Lavender asked.

“I was wondering that myself,” Hermione told her. “I did make eye contact, and I did glance at his spoon, but it all happened so fast. He would probably never, in a hundred years, realize just why I was yelling. I mean, screaming at the sight of Snape’s spoon?”

Seamus caught up to their group, catching the last of Hermione’s words. “Well, if I caught a glance at Snape’s spoon,” Seamus said, putting an extra emphasis on the word while waggling his eyebrows, “I’d surely scream too.”

The group looked at each other, looked at Seamus, then burst out laughing.

“What?” Seamus asked. “It wasn’t that bad of a joke!”

***

Hermione had thought she was off the hook when they had arrived in the Great Hall and Snape hadn’t been there. But, after five minutes, he swooped in, his robes billowing out behind him.
Hermione then thought she was off the hook after looking at the food placed on the table—nothing that required a spoon. And Hermione was right: not once did Snape pick up his spoon.

Two meals down, seven to go. Piece of cake.

***

The six of them were in the Common Room, talking and laughing. There was an hour left before dinner, something Hermione was happy for.

“And now its time for task number four!” Harry announced happily.

“What? Already? I’m not even done with task three yet!”

“But that’s a long term task. This is just a one-time thing. Well, maybe two.”

“Well, what is it?”

“Task number four: Ask for his autograph,” Ron stated merrily.

Hermione groaned. “His autograph? That’s insane.”

“I know! It will be hilarious!” Lavender laughed.

“Great! When do I have to do it?”

“After dinner. Catch him before he gets to the dungeons. Then hold out a piece of parchment and a quill and ask. We’ll be watching,” Parvati told her.

“And countless others!”

“It’ll still be fun,” Ginny assured her.

“Yeah, for you guys.”

They just laughed and informed her it was dinnertime.

Hermione sat down, thinking about how likely it was Snape would use his spoon. Very likely, it seemed, as she heard coughing coming from across the table. Once again, everyone in the Hall turned to see what was going on at the Gryffindor table.

Hermione glanced at Snape, who was glaring at them, then his spoon, then gasped, squeaked, and ran from the Hall. She could hear laughing and muttering following her as she closed the door behind her. She couldn’t help but think that Snape must realize why she was leaving the hall.

She waited, then returned, claiming that she had just remembered that she needed a book to return to the library after dinner. No one noticed she came back to the table empty handed.

***

Dinner was over and everyone was leaving the Great Hall. Hermione reached into a pocket and pulled out a piece of parchment and a quill. She was fortunate that Snape was one of the last ones out of the Hall; there would be less people around to hear her request.

“Professor Snape!” She shouted. She saw him slow, but he made no effort to stop. “Professor Snape,” she called once more. This time he stopped and turned to face her.

“What is it, Miss Granger?” He asked impatiently.

“Well, I uh…” Hermione broke off nervously and glanced around. Harry and the rest were there, along with a few Slytherins, who were passing by, and a Ravenclaw or two. She took a deep breath, held out the quill and parchment and said, “Professor Snape, can I have your autograph?”

To Be Continued...

Notes: Chapter One

2007-03-08T13:30:00.000-08:00

The main change to chapter one is a change that, although not vital, helped to improve the overall plot (in my opinion, at least). This is the change to Hermione's motives concerning The Challenge. In the old version, she was very reluctant to take up The Challenge. She was concerned with breaking the rules and making Snape angry. However, when I looked back through the chapters, I realized that just wouldn't work. It got annoying reading about how Hermione wasn't enjoying herself and was, in fact, only doing the tasks because of the Challenge. Yes, she did eventually come to enjoy herself, but it took too long.

So, I made the change in chapter one. While she isn't wildly enthusiastic about the whole thing, she is far more open to it than she once was. I also add that the war is over, which I don't think was ever made clear in the last version. Now there is no doubt; the war is over. Hermione is tired of working so hard, not just in school but during the war. Now it's time for some fun.

I don't think I'll ever reveal the events of the war; it really isn't necessary to the story. Suffice it say, the trio played a large part, along with some others, notably Snape, Dumbledore, Tonks, McGonagall and perhaps even Lucius and Draco. Certainly, Draco and Lucius have been, if not totally redeemed, then somewhat reformed. Still mildly evil, of course, and far too interested in the Dark Arts for their own good... But in the end they somehow managed to fight Voldemort's influence and broke away from the ranks of the Death Eaters. Cliche? Perhaps. But as I do want to include Draco and Lucius later in the story, it was necessary. After all, former Death Eaters don't go to Hogwarts, and aren't friends with various Hogwarts Staff. At least, not in this fic...

Back to the changes though. Hermione realizes that, as long as she stays on top of her studies and it won't get her expelled, there's no reason why she can't have some fun. She deserves it; they all do. I think the story will work a lot better this way. Writing a reluctant Hermione was boring; writing one who is enjoying the tasks is a lot more fun.

There were other minor changes, mostly grammar and characterization-wise. Nothing that really needs to be discussed.

One thing to keep in mind, though it will be made clear later on in the fic, is that Lavender and Parvati are not the bimbos they seem in the actual books. I have taken liberties with all the characters, and not just in negative ways. Lavender and Parvati, you will soon discover, can be very powerful witches.

Parvati is straightforward and speaks her mind; she gets straight to the point of the matter. She is good with Illusions and Transfiguration. Lavender is not a silly chit, but rather a mature young woman. She is tied with Hermione for top of Charms. While they are both more into fashion and makeup and whatnot than Hermione ever was or ever will be, they can be serious and smart when the time calls for it. And quite devious, as well. That does not change some basic facts about the duo, however. They still notice people's looks, far more than Hermione does. They can still do fantastic makeovers. They do still read Witch Weekly. Basically, they are a good mixture of smart/serious and silly/make-up loving.

Those are the major points that needed to be made concerning Chapter One. Thanks again!

Fic: Chapter One

2007-03-07T17:58:00.000-08:00

A/N: Yes, this is THE 99 Ways to Piss Snape Off, also known as Annoying Professor Snape. Yes, it has been forever and a day since I’ve updated. Yes, I do know it was taken down from (I was the one who took it down...). And yes, I do realize many of those who began reading this fic will have moved on. But hopefully there will be new readers to enjoy this crazy little story.

Also, I know the first chapters aren’t that great; I started the writing for this story 5 years ago, when I was 14. So, bear with me. I also realize Hermione’s reasons for taking on The Challenge aren’t that great. Like I said, I was 14. I’m going through and fixing up small mistakes; little things that don’t sound right, don’t quite make sense, etc. Some dialogue is being spruced up, being made more believable; some of Hermione’s motives are being updated, so that it’s more believable. So, if some stuff is different from what you remember... That’s why.

And yes, I do realize this entire story is completely out of character; that’s the fun part! Please keep in mind that this story is AU, and please disregard the events of Half-Blood Prince while reading this. While there are references to Order of the Phoenix, some stuff will not add up. Don’t try and make sense of it, that will just give you a headache. Also, don’t complain that Hermione/Snape/McGonagall/whoever would never act this way in ‘real life’. I understand that.

Disclaimers: The list is not mine. I have been emailed by many people who claimed to have created the ‘original’ list. The truth is, I don’t know who the original creator of The List is. I don’t think I will ever know, since I have no way to verify all the claims I’ve received. Not to mention that almost all the lists are different; some have 101, some 303, and I believe there’s one with 404. The tasks vary, list to list. Suffice it to say that I am not the author of The List; I am merely using it as a basis for this fic.

And of course, I don't own Harry Potter or anything having to do with Harry Potter and am in no way affiliated with anyone/thing who does. Thanks again.

Annoying Professor Snape

Chapter 1: The Insane Grin and Long Owl

Task 1: Grin insanely throughout each and every potions class.
Duration: One week.

Task 2: Owl him a long and detailed account of your summer holidays.

“Miss Granger!” barked Professor Snape. “Wipe that idiotic grin off of your face and get to work this instant!”

The witch in question just sat there, seemingly unable to hear him, grinning insanely as though he were the funniest thing in the world.

In reality, Hermione Granger was grinning on purpose. Yes, she was purposely grinning like a moron in Snape’s Potions class. Frankly, the very idea was unheard of because Snape was, at the best of times, described as being ‘a tad insufferable, slightly arrogant, a trifle bit infuriating, with a bit of a temper’; at the worst of times he was... well, a range of things not to be mentioned in front of anyone under twelve years of age.

Hermione, of course, knew all this; everyone who had been at Hogwarts for more than two weeks knew that. But, despite his reputation, Hermione had done the unthinkable, the unimaginable, the impossible: she had made a bet to do “ninety-nine things to piss Snape off” as her fellow Gryffindors put it.

It had all started out as a game, something funny to ponder at the end of their sixth year. They had been on their way to the Hogwarts Express, Harry, Ron, Lavender, Parvati, Ginny and her, when Ron, as a joke, had mentioned something about Snape. Hermione, thinking of all the studying she would have to do that summer in order to pass her N.E.W.T.’s, hadn’t really been paying attention, so she wasn’t sure what exactly started the whole thing, but she sure remembered the rest of the conversation.

They were in the train, and had a compartment to themselves.

“Oh, can you imagine the look on Snape’s face if someone actually did that?” Harry had laughed.

“Did what?” Hermione had asked, breaking out of her reverie.

“If anyone owled him a long and detailed account of their summer vacation!” Parvati squealed.

Hermione snickered, “As if anyone would be fool enough to do that!”

“I know,” Ginny giggled, “they would have to be mad!”

“Well, I don’t know Gin,” Ron was still laughing, “There are a few things I can think of that would be funnier…”

So they had made up a list of ninety-nine ways to piss Snape off—and had laughed the whole trip.

“Too bad we can’t actually put these to good use,” Lavender sighed.

“Well…” Parvati said, looking at Hermione.

“Me?” she had squeaked. “No way, not me! He’d skin me alive!”

“Aww, come one, it would be hilarious!” Ron had laughed.

“It would be fun…” Ginny had added.

“Tons of fun! Barrels and oodles and truckloads of fun!” Harry had added playfully, green eyes sparkling.

“It could be interesting…” Hermione had admitted.

“So you’ll do it, right?” Parvati asked.

“Are you serious?” Hermione asked. “You are, I can tell! Why me?”

“Because you’re the bravest,” Ron said.

“The smartest,” added Parvati.

“The only one able to pull this off,” Harry added.

“Without actually getting in trouble,” added Lavender.

“You are the only one who would be able to pull this off…” Ginny added, a mischievous glint in her eye.

“Why me?”

“You’re smart enough to think of ways to do these things without getting suspended, you’ll probably be able to get away without any detentions, you’re going to be Head Girl next year, and you’re the only one crazy enough to actually pull this off without getting hexed out of existence by Snape,” Ginny said.

“Besides,” Parvati added, “You’ve worked hard your whole life, Hermione. Voldemort is gone,” she continued, without so much as a stutter over using Voldemort’s name, “and it’s time we had some fun. Time you had some fun. Think about it.”

“Parvati is right,” Ginny chimed in. “All the horrors are over; next year will be your last year at Hogwarts. Why not make it memorable?”

Hermione looked at the group, her expression thoughtful. They had a point; Hermione had worked hard during her years at Hogwarts. Now that the war was finally over, the majority of the wizarding world felt like a weight had been lifted from their collective shoulders. Yes, there had been parties and celebrations but she had been to busy focussing on schoolwork. On the one hand, her seventh year meant N.E.W.T.’s, which should mean a lot of studying and late nights in the library. On the other hand... Parvati was right. She had spent her life working hard and she could do with having a little fun. Besides, it wasn’t as if she couldn’t pass her N.E.W.T.’s right now, if she had to.

That decided it; she would hardly neglect her schoolwork, but some fun could hardly hurt.

“I’ll do it.”

“You’re serious?” Ron asked, his eyes wide.

“Yes, I am. Parvati and Ginny are right: why go through the effort of winning the war if I can’t enjoy the freedom it brings? As long as it doesn’t interfere with schoolwork, endanger anyone, or threaten to get me expelled...I’ll do it.” She looked sternly at each of her friends. “But know this: If I go down, I’m taking you down with me. Agreed?”

“Agreed!” they all said and shook hands with each other.

***

Hermione was jolted back to the present when Snape, still berating her, yelled out her name. She was still grinning, which was the first task: Grin insanely throughout each and every potions class for a week. This was her last day.

“Miss Granger! Stop that insane grinning this instant! What on Earth is the matter with you? You have been smiling in this class for a week!” So, he had noticed, she thought. He hadn’t said anything until today, making her wonder if he even paid attention to his students when not deducting house points.

“I will not permit it!” he continued. “You will not smile like a lunatic in my class. No one should smile at all in my class! I am not here for your amusement! In fact, there is a new policy: I forbid smiling! I forbid it! There will be no smiling within 10 meters of this classroom! None whatsoever!”

She was still smiling.

Snape narrowed his eyes, glaring at Hermione. “Fine. Grin all you want. Twenty five points from Gryffindor! Still feel like smiling?”

“What for?!” Harry shouted, standing up suddenly.

“For...For,” Snape seemed to falter; even he couldn’t get away with deducting points merely because a student was smiling. “For failing to treat Potions as the serious subject it is.” He smiled cruelly at the class (well, the Gryffindor side of it, anyway), before growling, “Now get out!”

Hermione continued to grin until they were out of Snape’s vision, Harry and Ron fuming over the loss of points. She had hoped he wouldn’t take so many points, but it wasn’t as if she wouldn’t earn them all back in their next class, Charms. When she said as much to them, they agreed with her and reluctantly stopped planning Snape’s demise.

“Did he say anything about your owl?” Lavender asked.

That had been task two. On the second day of school, the day after task one had been assigned, she had been told to ‘Owl him a long and detailed account’ of her summer holidays.
She had gone on and on about everything she could think of. She had made sure to make it as wordy as possible; it had been practically two feet of parchment. It had talked of going to Scotland with her parents, meeting a boy there (although she left out some of the more personal details), about how cute he was, and how much her parents liked him, about her stay at the Burrow and how nice the Weasleys were, how great Harry was (she made sure to go on and on about Harry, knowing Snape’s feelings towards him), what such good friends Ron, Harry, and Ginny were, about the books she had picked up in Diagon Alley, her favorite topic in school… It was long and detailed; she only wished she could have seen his face as he realized what it was.

“No, of course he didn’t. What would he have said?” Imitating Snape she added, “Everyone, open your texts to page seven and read up on the Pepper Up Potion and then prepare the potion. By the way Miss Granger, I received your owl and wanted to thank you for providing me with some lovely summer reading. I will, of course, respond to you with tales of my summer when I have the chance.” She snorted. “Really Lavender, as if he would even admit he received post from me, let alone discuss it with me!”

“That’s true.”

They all headed to Charms, laughing merrily.

Two down, ninety-seven to go, Hermione thought. Her next task: Look terrified and leave the hall anytime he picks up his spoon at mealtimes. Duration: Three days.

And I thought seventh year would be fun…

To Be Continued...

FAQ

2007-03-07T17:50:00.000-08:00

Here is a quick FAQ. It is by no means comprehensive; more will be added later, either as I think of it or as you ask the question(s). But for now, here are the ones I've been receiving.

"When is the next update? or Update more/sooner!" : I will update this story every monday until chapter 14. As of chapter 15, I will update whenever I finish the chapter. Hopefully, that will be every other week, but I make no promises. Also, as of chapter 15, the story will be updated first at my yahoo group, Hermione Fan Fiction. They will get the fic up to a day in advance of everyone else.

"Do you need suggestions for tasks?" : No, I have the list of all 99 tasks. The 99 tasks were taken from the 'original' list of 303 Ways.

"Did you make up The List? or Who did make The List?": No, I originally got the list from the yahoo group, WIKTT; someone emailed it to the group. I do not have any idea who created the list and, in fact, it would be almost impossible to find the creator. I've had people contact me, telling me they were the original authors of said list, but there is no way for me (or anyone else) to verify such a thing. Not only that, but there isn't just one list floating around; there are quite a few. Some are only 101 ways, some 303, some are 404 ways. Almost every list is different from the last; there are always a few tasks that are different. So, the short answer is no, I did not make the list and, sorry, I don't know who did.

"Where can I find The List?": There is a copy at my yahoo group, Hermione Fan Fiction (links above). It's in the files section: files, fanfiction, numair-magelet's fics folder, 99 Ways folder, and there it is. I will also post the lists on this blog. Other than that, I don't know. Your best bet is to google it; there are a lot of hits, especially if you try googling 101 ways, or 303 or 404. This will also turn up other stories revolving around the list, most (if not all) of which are worth a read.

"So and so is out of character!": Yes, I know, that is purposeful. To make this story work, many characters have had minor (and maybe not so minor) personality tweaks. Not bad enough to make them a totally different character, but for the story to work, some characters had to have attitude adjustments. Some more than others. If at all possible, I've tried to explain why the character would act out of character; not a great or believable explanation, at times, but better than nothing. Yes, the reasons may be weak, but work with me. This is a parody, after all.

"Will this be Snape/Granger?": I honestly don't know. I've gone back and forth with it, gone over the pros and cons, and have yet to reach a definite conclusion. All I can say is that there may be a romantic ending, but nothing is set in stone.

"But in Half-Blood Prince...": While reading this fic, try your best to forget the events of HBP. In this fic's crazy world, HBP never happened. There is no HBP. The fic will be mildly OotP compliant, but there may be mistakes. I wrote the first 10 or so chapters pre-OotP, but the last 4 were written afterwards. So the latter chapters are more canon than the earlier ones. Although I have tried to go back and fix any inconsistencies, there may be some I forgot or didn't notice. So, please, work with me.

"That wasn't there the last time I read this...": I've gone back and changed a few things. I've also added some scenes. Some of the added scenes are totally new. Some are just minor add ons to make everything make sense. Some of the changes are minor: spelling, plot, canon changes, etc. Some have been larger, such as changing Hermione's motives to make everything more believable. I'm trying to go back and add more detail and make everything flow a lot smoother. So, if you see something that wasn't there before, if something was there and no longer is, or if something has been changed, that's why.

Introduction

2007-03-07T17:14:00.000-08:00

Here is a little introduction of this blog and its purpose.

First of all, I will post chapters of my fanfic here, Annoying Professor Snape, aka 99 Ways to Piss Snape Off. For those of you who may be new to this fic, here is some history. I started writing this fic a Very Long Time Ago. About five years or so. Three or so years ago, I took a break from the fic; it eventually turned into a hiatus from the whole of the fandom. No Harry Potter websites, no rumours pages, no fics, no writing, nothing. Recently, I've started coming back; I've been reading and re-acquainting myself with the fandom. And when I went through my old fics, I knew that none were salvageable...Except one. That one fic was Annoying Professor Snape.

I could salvage it, perhaps, but I knew it would be a lot of work. For one thing, I started the fic before Order of the Phoenix. But, about 10 chapters in, OotP came out; the last 4 or so chapters happened post-OotP. Which meant that the majority of the story was not OotP compliant, but the last chapters were. I knew it would be possible to go back and make it compliant with the fifth Harry Potter book; not easy, perhaps, but possible. But I realized that I would never be able to make it Half Blood Prince compliant.

Another thing making this task a bit more difficult than I had originally imagined is the fact that I was about 14 when I started writing this fic. It was pretty well written, considering I was 14, but upon re-reading...Well, let's just say that the re-read left a lot to be desired. And so came task number two: clean everything up. Everything being dialogue, diction, flow, spelling, grammar...the works. Now, I won't even try and claim that it is 'perfect' but it is a great deal better than it was.

The third problem was the flow of the story. Like I said, it wasn't bad for something created by a 14 year old but it wasn't something I'd feel comfortable posting now. I went back (and, in fact, am still going back) through each chapter to see what I could add, what needed to be taken out, what needed to be changed... There were some scenes that needed more explanation; for instance, I wanted to make it a little more clear why Hermione ever took up The Challenge. Some scenes are totally new, but will have an interesting effect later on in the fic. Some small bits have been deleted, either because they were poorly written, didn't make sense, or else just didn't fit.

After all that...I've decided to repost the fic. I know I haven't fixed everything... I'm sure there are plenty of typos and canon issues. But I feel that I have made it better than it was and, if not perfect, I am happy with the way things are coming along.

But, for those of you who are new to the fic, there are some things I should explain. First and formost, this fic is still (yes, still!) a work in progress. I have the first 14 chapters written; those will be posted every week on monday. Once the fourteen chapters are posted, I will post new chapters whenever they are written.

The second thing you newbies need to know is that this fic is a parody. It is humor. So, I already know the characters are acting beyond out of character; that's rather the point. Please keep this in mind while reading and don't complain later that the characters are acting crazily; you have been warned.

As for this blog... You lot will be getting more than the others who read at a fic archive. Yes, you will get the fic, but you will also get my notes and musings. Notes on what I added, what I took out, reasons behind changes, what I'm looking for, what I'm working towards... Musings on my ideas behind various things, like Hogwarts staff, other characters, and various random things.

I'll also post other things here, such as the places where this fic will be archived (as of now, only my yahoo group, Hermione Fan Fiction and Fanfiction.net), an FAQ for the fic (questions will be taken from reviews), and The List I am working from (both the whole 303 ways, and the group of 99 tasks Hermione will be attempting).

Thank you all for reading this and the fic. I hope I can answer any and all questions you may have. And, of course, I hope you enjoy the fic.

Cheers!
Magelet